A Story About Body Image, Pageants, and Why I’m No Beauty Queen and That’s Ok
Part 1: When/What/Why/How/Who
I have entered 9 local preliminary pageants in the Miss America System. I have never won a single title. I couldn’t be more grateful to this organization.
Let me explain: I entered my first pageant junior year of high school as a combination joke/impulse/morbid curiosity. I was a tomboy, one of the ‘tech guys’, a huge nerd, and probably the least graceful person ever. I didn’t wear make up and was really buff. Not that there is anything wrong with being this way, I’m just giving you some context about who I was at the time.
I had no idea what to expect, but emailed the director of the Miss Memphis pageant and she gave me the teen paperwork and a bunch of helpful advice. Long story short, I met some of the most amazing people that week and was hooked. They pulled me SO far out of my comfort zone, but never made me feel bad about myself or like I was less than them because I was different. I entered the Miss division the next year, and I have every year since.
For those of you that don’t know, MAO pageants have 5 phases of competition:
Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 15%
Evening Wear - 20%
Talent - 35%
Private Interview - 25%
On-Stage Question – 5%
From each of these I have learned some pretty valuable lessons. Being thrown two random questions onstage in front of a crowd has helped me learn to think on my feet and express my ideas quickly and eloquently. Private Interview, which is 10 minutes in a room with 5-8 judges being asked anything from your favorite book to what to do about ISIS, has taught me the most. I had to learn to be diplomatic and see both sides of every issue, and how to phrase my opinions delicately. I’ve also learned that you are not everyone’s cup of tea, no matter what you say and that it’s impossible to please everyone. This has given me interview skills I would have been hard-pressed to learn anywhere else and countless opportunities and connections from the people I have met. The talent portion has developed my stage presence and skill in aerial silks-which I was doing way before pageants. It has helped me become precise and intentional in my movement and let me experiment with different styles onstage, as well as share my art with hundreds of new people. Evening wear has always been my biggest struggle, as a clumsy, goofy type. I learned how to walk in heels, to be poised and graceful when I need to be, and to keep smiling. Swimsuit is actually my favorite part. I never looked like the other girls, since I’m so muscular and ripped, but I love that. It’s developed my confidence in ways I couldn’t imagine; how to celebrate differences, to be fearless (if I can be onstage in a bikini why would I be scared of anything, ever), to accept myself and be proud of what I’ve worked for.
One of the most important things I’ve gained from the MAO, however, is something impossible to fully quantify: so many perfect friendships and experiences. My first pageant, I had about 1 female friend. Now, as I prepare to say goodbye to the pageant world, I have countless. Shay Bader has taught me about the importance of grace, poise, and trying again. Her attitude and encouragement have always lifted me up, in many circumstances-I may not be your titleholder, but I'll always be one of your girls. Mary-Marsha Riley has made me more fashionable and eloquent and improved my posture and walk. She has inspired me in countless ways and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Erika Michelle Houston-Free has been the tell-it-like-it-is, no BS, completely real person I needed throughout this journey. She has taught me a lot about beauty, hair, make-up and tanning, and a lot more about self-confidence and staying true to yourself, even if that self is unconventional. Christine Electra Williamson has been there through it all, with quips of pageant and life wisdom, while staying down to earth and helping others along the way. Ivy Michelle has made me feel like a rockstar; given me make-up lessons, let me borrow dresses, inspired me through her stories and made me laugh. Who else can say that Miss Rhode Island taught them to wing their eyeliner?! Aubrey Nicole DePew has been an encourager, supporter, coach, creative inspiration, and role model in pageants, aerial, and life and a pseudo-big-sister. Not to mention people like Ed Coleman, Brandi Murphy, Sharmain Mayes, Debbie DePew, Victoria Dianne Clayton, Caitlyn Edwards (who became my sorority sister!), Erin Hatley, Sierra Sandison (Miss Idaho 2015 has wished me good luck and been so encouraging although we’ve never met), Audrey Saskia Tetzeli, and Rebekah Wallace all of whom I’ve been blessed to know, work with, learn from, etc. All of these women (and Ed!) have been amazing role models, friends, confidants, inspirations and more and I never would have met them without MAO. This doesn't even include the support I've had from Taylor Williams and Barbara Whited, Kathy Compton, Tegan Jemma, Autumn Pope and my ADPi sisters.
Thank you each for helping me grow, and everything you have done that I cannot put into words.
Part 2: Me
I believe that I am done with pageants. Don’t hold me to that, I’ve been known to change my mind-but I’m graduating college in December and I don’t believe I will compete after college. I may have never won a sparkly hat, but I have had kids come up to me and say I inspired them through wearing my insulin pump onstage or seeing my talent or hearing me speak. I have raised awareness about type one diabetes by wearing my pump during every competition. I have shown off my talents and promoted my company, Weightless Aerial. I’ve inspired kids and I have grown into myself. I learned that its possible to be a feminine feminist and that its okay to be girly sometimes. I can put on a dress and still be myself. I’ve defied stereotypes and won scholarships. I think that makes me a winner, despite everything. Yes it’s had ups and downs, I’ve cried, been heartbroken and disappointed, but I have learned to deal with it and how to lose graciously. After my first competition, it ceased to be about me and became about my mission and the people I care for.
Part 2b: Body Image
Being a feminist in pageants sounds contradictory, I know this. But MAO does inspire and empower women. The swimsuit competition has done nothing but improve my own body image and self-confidence and I have never once felt objectified. I get to show off the body I have worked hard for, on my own terms, in an empowering way. It’s my choice to compete. That being said I have also learned how it is impossible to please everyone, for example, here are the things that have been said about me in the last 14 days alone, during Miss MSC and Collierville:
Linebacker. Too muscular. Manly. Too skinny. Ribs showing. Wrestler. Not muscular enough. Too big. Thunder Thighs. Thick. Thin. Too dark, too pale. Voice too deep. Not graceful. Elegant. Awkward. Very Graceful. Powerful. Smile more. Fix your teeth. I love your gap. Beautiful.
Just saying. I never once let a comment affect me. And I owe that to MAO. I don’t believe I was meant to wear a crown, some girls aren’t. But that’s okay, because I’ve gotten way more out of it than that.
There are a thousand other things I could say, but for now, I believe my 10 minutes are up.
Love,
“Miss Top-5”
I have entered 9 local preliminary pageants in the Miss America System. I have never won a single title. I couldn’t be more grateful to this organization.
Let me explain: I entered my first pageant junior year of high school as a combination joke/impulse/morbid curiosity. I was a tomboy, one of the ‘tech guys’, a huge nerd, and probably the least graceful person ever. I didn’t wear make up and was really buff. Not that there is anything wrong with being this way, I’m just giving you some context about who I was at the time.
I had no idea what to expect, but emailed the director of the Miss Memphis pageant and she gave me the teen paperwork and a bunch of helpful advice. Long story short, I met some of the most amazing people that week and was hooked. They pulled me SO far out of my comfort zone, but never made me feel bad about myself or like I was less than them because I was different. I entered the Miss division the next year, and I have every year since.
For those of you that don’t know, MAO pageants have 5 phases of competition:
Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 15%
Evening Wear - 20%
Talent - 35%
Private Interview - 25%
On-Stage Question – 5%
From each of these I have learned some pretty valuable lessons. Being thrown two random questions onstage in front of a crowd has helped me learn to think on my feet and express my ideas quickly and eloquently. Private Interview, which is 10 minutes in a room with 5-8 judges being asked anything from your favorite book to what to do about ISIS, has taught me the most. I had to learn to be diplomatic and see both sides of every issue, and how to phrase my opinions delicately. I’ve also learned that you are not everyone’s cup of tea, no matter what you say and that it’s impossible to please everyone. This has given me interview skills I would have been hard-pressed to learn anywhere else and countless opportunities and connections from the people I have met. The talent portion has developed my stage presence and skill in aerial silks-which I was doing way before pageants. It has helped me become precise and intentional in my movement and let me experiment with different styles onstage, as well as share my art with hundreds of new people. Evening wear has always been my biggest struggle, as a clumsy, goofy type. I learned how to walk in heels, to be poised and graceful when I need to be, and to keep smiling. Swimsuit is actually my favorite part. I never looked like the other girls, since I’m so muscular and ripped, but I love that. It’s developed my confidence in ways I couldn’t imagine; how to celebrate differences, to be fearless (if I can be onstage in a bikini why would I be scared of anything, ever), to accept myself and be proud of what I’ve worked for.
One of the most important things I’ve gained from the MAO, however, is something impossible to fully quantify: so many perfect friendships and experiences. My first pageant, I had about 1 female friend. Now, as I prepare to say goodbye to the pageant world, I have countless. Shay Bader has taught me about the importance of grace, poise, and trying again. Her attitude and encouragement have always lifted me up, in many circumstances-I may not be your titleholder, but I'll always be one of your girls. Mary-Marsha Riley has made me more fashionable and eloquent and improved my posture and walk. She has inspired me in countless ways and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Erika Michelle Houston-Free has been the tell-it-like-it-is, no BS, completely real person I needed throughout this journey. She has taught me a lot about beauty, hair, make-up and tanning, and a lot more about self-confidence and staying true to yourself, even if that self is unconventional. Christine Electra Williamson has been there through it all, with quips of pageant and life wisdom, while staying down to earth and helping others along the way. Ivy Michelle has made me feel like a rockstar; given me make-up lessons, let me borrow dresses, inspired me through her stories and made me laugh. Who else can say that Miss Rhode Island taught them to wing their eyeliner?! Aubrey Nicole DePew has been an encourager, supporter, coach, creative inspiration, and role model in pageants, aerial, and life and a pseudo-big-sister. Not to mention people like Ed Coleman, Brandi Murphy, Sharmain Mayes, Debbie DePew, Victoria Dianne Clayton, Caitlyn Edwards (who became my sorority sister!), Erin Hatley, Sierra Sandison (Miss Idaho 2015 has wished me good luck and been so encouraging although we’ve never met), Audrey Saskia Tetzeli, and Rebekah Wallace all of whom I’ve been blessed to know, work with, learn from, etc. All of these women (and Ed!) have been amazing role models, friends, confidants, inspirations and more and I never would have met them without MAO. This doesn't even include the support I've had from Taylor Williams and Barbara Whited, Kathy Compton, Tegan Jemma, Autumn Pope and my ADPi sisters.
Thank you each for helping me grow, and everything you have done that I cannot put into words.
Part 2: Me
I believe that I am done with pageants. Don’t hold me to that, I’ve been known to change my mind-but I’m graduating college in December and I don’t believe I will compete after college. I may have never won a sparkly hat, but I have had kids come up to me and say I inspired them through wearing my insulin pump onstage or seeing my talent or hearing me speak. I have raised awareness about type one diabetes by wearing my pump during every competition. I have shown off my talents and promoted my company, Weightless Aerial. I’ve inspired kids and I have grown into myself. I learned that its possible to be a feminine feminist and that its okay to be girly sometimes. I can put on a dress and still be myself. I’ve defied stereotypes and won scholarships. I think that makes me a winner, despite everything. Yes it’s had ups and downs, I’ve cried, been heartbroken and disappointed, but I have learned to deal with it and how to lose graciously. After my first competition, it ceased to be about me and became about my mission and the people I care for.
Part 2b: Body Image
Being a feminist in pageants sounds contradictory, I know this. But MAO does inspire and empower women. The swimsuit competition has done nothing but improve my own body image and self-confidence and I have never once felt objectified. I get to show off the body I have worked hard for, on my own terms, in an empowering way. It’s my choice to compete. That being said I have also learned how it is impossible to please everyone, for example, here are the things that have been said about me in the last 14 days alone, during Miss MSC and Collierville:
Linebacker. Too muscular. Manly. Too skinny. Ribs showing. Wrestler. Not muscular enough. Too big. Thunder Thighs. Thick. Thin. Too dark, too pale. Voice too deep. Not graceful. Elegant. Awkward. Very Graceful. Powerful. Smile more. Fix your teeth. I love your gap. Beautiful.
Just saying. I never once let a comment affect me. And I owe that to MAO. I don’t believe I was meant to wear a crown, some girls aren’t. But that’s okay, because I’ve gotten way more out of it than that.
There are a thousand other things I could say, but for now, I believe my 10 minutes are up.
Love,
“Miss Top-5”
Diabetes, "Street Art", and Strangers
I was just told that if I don't like living with the chronic, incurable, and life altering autoimmune disease that is Type One Diabetes, I should 'do something about it'-and by that, the person meant-no not awareness and fundraising, but actually going to medical school. Yes. Someone seriously just suggested that to me.
They then proceeded to tell me that being a professional aerialist (or making 'street art') is a waste of my time and a distraction from what I 'should be doing' My 'street art' has reached thousands of people, and given hope to many with chronic illness-who have told me that I inspired them to follow their dreams despite their circumstances.
I'm sorry stranger, but I have spent countless hours over the last 18+ years volunteering, working, fundraising, creating awareness, and devoting my life to a cure.
I've been to congress to lobby for the special diabetes project, worked at a camp for children with type one, mentored many newly diagnosed young adults, interned for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, created a scholarship for those with type one, AND I use my status and opportunities to create awareness every single day, but I'M the one not doing enough.
Please stop shaming people who live with illnesses for how they chose to spend their lives. I may have a much more limited number of years to live and I plan on spending my time doing EXACTLY what makes me happy.
I PROMISE you, that I can do a lot more to help people with this disease through my art, than I ever could in any other field.
They then proceeded to tell me that being a professional aerialist (or making 'street art') is a waste of my time and a distraction from what I 'should be doing' My 'street art' has reached thousands of people, and given hope to many with chronic illness-who have told me that I inspired them to follow their dreams despite their circumstances.
I'm sorry stranger, but I have spent countless hours over the last 18+ years volunteering, working, fundraising, creating awareness, and devoting my life to a cure.
I've been to congress to lobby for the special diabetes project, worked at a camp for children with type one, mentored many newly diagnosed young adults, interned for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, created a scholarship for those with type one, AND I use my status and opportunities to create awareness every single day, but I'M the one not doing enough.
Please stop shaming people who live with illnesses for how they chose to spend their lives. I may have a much more limited number of years to live and I plan on spending my time doing EXACTLY what makes me happy.
I PROMISE you, that I can do a lot more to help people with this disease through my art, than I ever could in any other field.
Some SMALL Thoughts on a Scary Thing (Or, my work went viral and I don't know what to do!)
I posted this series on my website over a month ago, as a link to a portfolio of photography work I've been doing. I HAD NO IDEA that it had been shared thousands of times across social media and posted to various blogs and websites. This was not my original intent, it was definitely a school project that got a bit out of hand. I am grateful that people enjoy my work and have things (lots and lots of things...) to say about it. To the people that posed for me: I apologize if you didn't want this out, but I did warn you it was a possibility. I'm currently overwhelmed trying to trace back all of the links....
I appreciate that these sites used my own words and research, and that they linked back to my website
.
EDIT: After beginning to read the replies and comments on this from various people (feminists AND misogynists) I'm glad that it's causing a discussion. This is a very well researched, social statement (article on my website) and yes, it may be a 'first-world' problem. but it's something that effects the self-esteem of millions of girls and women, and even young men. We NEED to be talking about this as a society. More edits to come as I continue to read comments...
EDIT #2: LOL at the comments saying I made this because I'm jealous of models and should hit the gym....
EDIT #3: "Feminazi"...really? Yes lets compare women (and men!) that want equal human rights to the genocide of an entire race. That makes sense....
EDIT #4: No one read my research before commenting. That's fine.
EDIT #5: " many people don't tune out, and are conditioned to look at women as objects. Many men are not able to separate body from mind. I am a woman in the professional field and persistently get hit on and disrespected until i can prove i am worthy of respect as an actual person. We are being conditioned to think a certain way about many different types of people, tuning out won't solve this."-From a comments section.
^^^-Yes. YES. I tune out a lot of the media that bothers me, such as sexist language in music (many of you know I refuse to listen to things that objectify women) but you still can't escape it, and a few people ignoring it does nothing to solve the problem.
I appreciate that these sites used my own words and research, and that they linked back to my website
.
EDIT: After beginning to read the replies and comments on this from various people (feminists AND misogynists) I'm glad that it's causing a discussion. This is a very well researched, social statement (article on my website) and yes, it may be a 'first-world' problem. but it's something that effects the self-esteem of millions of girls and women, and even young men. We NEED to be talking about this as a society. More edits to come as I continue to read comments...
EDIT #2: LOL at the comments saying I made this because I'm jealous of models and should hit the gym....
EDIT #3: "Feminazi"...really? Yes lets compare women (and men!) that want equal human rights to the genocide of an entire race. That makes sense....
EDIT #4: No one read my research before commenting. That's fine.
EDIT #5: " many people don't tune out, and are conditioned to look at women as objects. Many men are not able to separate body from mind. I am a woman in the professional field and persistently get hit on and disrespected until i can prove i am worthy of respect as an actual person. We are being conditioned to think a certain way about many different types of people, tuning out won't solve this."-From a comments section.
^^^-Yes. YES. I tune out a lot of the media that bothers me, such as sexist language in music (many of you know I refuse to listen to things that objectify women) but you still can't escape it, and a few people ignoring it does nothing to solve the problem.